walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed