[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Just so funny
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family