The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle