[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat