A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
This could be us but you eatin’
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.