btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I unironically love this joke.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this