Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Fidel Castro was alive?