You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I forgot how to panic. Help
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.