I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain