*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym