i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
You Might Also Like
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?