PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*cough*
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Radiohead fans, this is for you.