I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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