Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.