Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.