Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
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Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Sheep
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no