This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You Might Also Like
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?