You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
✌️
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know