There are usually two types of merchants.
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
the world’s most popular steaming services
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.