William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit