Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
🙋♀️
This is not me but this is me
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace