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Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?