My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
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Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
decorating my apartment
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.