Worst Native American name ever.
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I am yelling
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.