When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
consequences, the bane of my existence
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.