CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
You Might Also Like
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.