[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead