Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
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Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Children of the corn 🌽
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
No, he would not have.