[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese