every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens