My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos