Are you ok, human???
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Fluff me with a fork baby
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
no one ever comes back
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy