when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
congratulations to them
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next