The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.