1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?