WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
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Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Never be a pizza!
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you