her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
White Castle for the Win
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
moms in horror movies
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.