WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me opening up to someone
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?