I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Every damn time
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My Plans 2020
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS