I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Found the job I’m suited for
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.