You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.