Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
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Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
wow
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.