snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
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My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
he looks great for his age
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen