The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
c’mon!
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*