My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Noah was an idiot.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot