My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks