Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
#damn
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
i want to work in this restaurant
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving