when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems