50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’