*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Natural selection at its finest
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Beware of the “party goblin”…
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.